It’s a situation that men don’t particularly like to talk about: You’re looking forward to that long-awaited encounter with the woman of your choice, perhaps you already have certain fantasies in mind, and then suddenly your penis doesn’t quite cooperate the way you had imagined.
As a provider, I encounter this issue relatively often. That’s why I’m neither surprised nor disappointed when it happens. And above all, for me, an erection that doesn’t happen or doesn’t last does not mean that an encounter has to be any less enjoyable or erotic.
Quite the opposite: In general, I also like to advocate for a kind of sexuality that doesn’t revolve entirely around penetrating the woman. An erection can be wonderful, but it doesn’t have to be the entry ticket to a fulfilling sexual encounter.
Sometimes, a situation like this can even be an opportunity to broaden your sexual horizons a little. You might suddenly discover that gentle, mindful touches to a non-erect penis can feel wonderful too. Or you might turn your attention to other areas of the body and discover sensations you’ve barely paid attention to before.
Why does the penis go soft when you want so badly for it to stay hard?
There can be many different reasons. If erectile problems occur frequently, it of course makes sense to have possible physical causes checked by a doctor. But if everything is medically fine, excitement, nervousness and, above all, internal pressure to perform can also play a major role.
In my experience, this kind of performance pressure is a real erection killer.
The tricky part is that the more important the erection seems in that moment, the greater the pressure can become. You start monitoring yourself: Is it working? Will I stay hard? What is she thinking right now? And suddenly, instead of noticing what actually feels good, you’re mentally preoccupied with controlling your own sexual “performance.”
This can quickly turn into a vicious cycle. The erection starts to fade, the tension increases, and that very tension makes it even harder to get an erection again.
What if an erection were simply optional?
I much prefer the idea of not making sexuality dependent on whether the penis happens to be erect or not.
Little by little, you can discover practices and forms of touch that don’t require an erection at all. This also changes the meaning of an erection. It is no longer a prerequisite for having “real sex,” but rather a possible addition to everything else that feels good.
And that, in turn, can take away some of the pressure.
In my encounters, I therefore don’t want to create the feeling that we now have to make sure your penis works. I find a different question much more interesting: What feels good to you right now?
Maybe an erection develops during the encounter. Maybe it goes away again. Maybe it doesn’t happen at all. None of this has to determine whether an encounter can be pleasurable, intimate or fulfilling.
After all, sexuality is so much bigger than what one particular part of the body happens to be doing.
And sometimes, a penis that doesn’t “perform” as planned can be precisely the invitation to discover that.